Why Has God Forsaken My Hiney

This is no joke. My ass is indeed flattening at the same rate my thighs expand, leading me to believe that the fat of my backside has been ever so slowly pouring itself into my thighs. It’s amazing, it’s astounding, it’s AWESOME …Could God be testing or preparing me for something (for what I wonder? Am I to invent an unbelievably comfortable church pew? WTF God?). I may have traded my ass fat in a deal with the devil one drunken night in Sioux Falls, IA,  for another ride on the mechanical bull, but I can’t imagine for what.

Regardless of fault, whether it be in omnipresent deities, or *gasp*, it was me and my love of  cupcakes, Chicago dogs and lazy Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays… I’m really pissed about it. The nerve of God/The Devil/Cupcakes/Gravity to pull such a stunt. WTF?  Who ever heard of asses that melt down into a person’s thighs? How did two pounds of my beloved lard creep down without notice? I’m interested in reversing the flow of fatty tissue, but outside of the BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFT or anti-gravity girdle, I cannot find much information about how to put the fat back where it should be.  Is there such a thing as a daily exercise regime geared towards adding more cushion to my tailbone? Do you know?