I read that somewhere, that the phrase ‘I wish’ was the same as the phrase ‘I’ll try’ in that both are a setup for an idea or action that the orator has already decided is a failure. (Actually, I read those things separately and cleverly put the two theories together for my own ingenious purposes). Tonight, with Cole’s “I wish you would just know when I need time alone” statement, he already knew it was something that was never going to come to pass, and probably just said it to piss me off. But there is the rub, I do know when he needs time by himself, I mean, I live with the man, I know his moods and can definitely identify his silent tantrums, but that doesn’t mean I’ll just go away when I ‘feel’ he needs some space. In fact, I’m probably hanging around just to piss him off. Truly though, is it too much to ask that he just tell me he needs some time? Wouldn’t that be the mutually respectful thing to do? Then, he could stop playing the ‘I’m throwing you my moody tantrum signal’ against my ‘I resent your moody tantrum, extra chatty banter’ and we could end the stupid game right there. Isn’t this one of the main complaints that men give about women, that women expect men to read their minds and are not direct? Of course, I am getting less direct as we continue on, I suppose I could always ask HIM if he needs some space those instances. (But then, it’s that resentful feeling one gets when you feel someone is ‘fishing’ for you to say or ask something) I feel so many opportunities lately lost for open communication. We’re getting more passive aggressive as our relationship evolves. Do all couples go through this self sabotage, are they aware that it’s happening to them? I think this is a topic for another post, I wish it were not the case, and I’m trying to make it different.

3 replies
  1. Melissa
    Melissa says:

    Here is a comment

  2. Lucinda
    Lucinda says:

    Along with I wish, or try or should, are words in a phrase to set one up for failure. How difficult it is to tell someone what you need when you know that he or she needs the opposite. Open verbal communications is the hardest of all communication to establish because body language speaks for 80% of that communication. How does one tell the body that the mouth is speaking and please try to make it go along with the statement. I am forever getting into trouble with this bit of communication. I forget to say that I am going to do this or that. The problem comes in from being on my own for so long incorporating another person is a lot of work. Consider the statement that I need to do this and not think as a team. I am always forgetting that there will be another person in my life to communicate to and consider. Reading minds is a scary business and I for one would not want to do that. It all boils down to a different point of view for each individual. The real question is how to maintain that individuality in relationship. The ideal situation is to blend both personalities into a working unit, but the perverseness of human nature is not so adapt to doing such a thing. Ah there is the rub, while I need this too, how do you give space and have your needs fulfilled also? Do I have any answers? Not a chance, lots of ideas, trial and error seems to work sometimes. I hate the statement that” you know me so well” that it should be automatic and a given. What fun is that? One could say I understand your need to be alone to contemplate the universe and that doesn’t seem to matter it’s the amount of time given to this contemplations that is the problem, 15 seconds should be enough to discover why there is air or not. Maybe, that is why men take so long in the bathroom? It is their time alone with out disturbances. Well after all, who would want to go in there for a couple of hours afterwards? This is not true for most women (what a blanket statement) one never gets to spend time alone in the bathroom when there is family to consider. Scheduling time for the person to be alone would be nice say next Tuesday at 11:45 pm you can have a bit of time alone. Are there any solutions this age-old problem? I think of couples that have been married for donkey’s years and they have given the other person all the time they need as long as it was not over 15 seconds. Statement that he goes out to his shop, garage, or studio to work, but then you have to interrupt them with important bits of information, when it is really is that you do not want to be alone. One could wax poetic on the topic when it all comes down to working, raising a family and the multiple tasks assigned to the woman that time alone never happens. So why should anyone else need it?
    As for the pregnancy, bit well hormones are hormones and they speak louder than words ever would. In addition, yes you look very good for being pregnant and make all of us who did not look so wonderful envious of your success.

  3. Rachel DeVault
    Rachel DeVault says:

    I DO think “I wish” is already a lost cause. There’s too much room for non-completion. How about….”I plan” or “My goal”…..not that Cole should say “My goal is that you would know when I need alone time”. He simply needs to tell you. To not tell you is not just passive-agressive–it’s babyish. Why won’t he just say? But I should ask myself the very same question: Why, when I’m annoyed beyond belief, don’t I say, “Phill, I am annoyed beyond belief.” Why? Because it’s scary. It’s scary to me, at least, to say, “I’m dissatisfied.” We’re getting better at it, mostly because we have to. Since his coming home, I’ve had to re-learn any communication skills I had….I have to remember to talk to him about those things we should share. I forget that it’s the two of us, and that I’m not required to do it by myself anymore. It’s kind of scary to be vulnerable in that way again. I know that sounds weird, but it’s like this: I was vulnerable when he was gone because I had to talk to myself and think to myself and decide to myself….and once I thought I had that mastered, he’s home. And now I’m vulnerable because I have to learn to talk to him and think out loud when it’s important and decide with him. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful that Phill’s home–I would unequivocally choose this way over any other. But I’m feeling like an infant. Everything’s new. That wasn’t very helpful to you, Melissa. That was more of a spurt of words to help me sort through my thoughts. Forgive me, and thanks.

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