Mrs. Hot Monkey Love 2009

I’ve been climbed on, demanded of, and entertaining all day long. All I want at the end of the day is a sensory deprivation tank and a really good tranquilizer. It’s a problem.

Sleep is the New Sex

Sleep Is The New Sex

Sleep Is The New Sex

Lately there is nothing that comes close to the high I feel at the prospect of getting a few more hours of sleep. I’m exhausted, when my kid’s lil’ heads hit their pillows, all I want to do is visit dream land too. I’m totally addicted to sleep, and if I have to cut out a little lovin’ up to get it, I’ll do it. Sadly I’m not even making up for the lack of sex in my dreams, Brad Pitt might visit my subconscious but we are most certainly not making out. My brain is so exhausted it cannot even muster up the energy for a proper fantasy.

beauty pagent sash and roses

Mrs. Hot Monkey Love 2009

This is certainly not the fairy tale I signed up for. The fairy tale I signed up for involved 8hrs of sleep every night, a tiara, and a lot more hot monkey love. What the effing hell? I have become the totally lame woman of every motherhood horror story and it’s crushing my ego. This is not supposed to happen to me, I’m in my thirties for heaven sakes, I’m supposed to be at my sexual peak.

Determined not to let my life sucking yet adorable progeny get the best of me, I’ve been trying a few little things, like putting on lip gloss more often (my fave right now is Huge Lips Skinny Hips) and switching out my pilates DVD for strip tease aerobics. I feel a little sexier even if in reality, I most likely still have my pajamas on from the day before, my legs feel like prickly pears, and the dark circles around my eyes make me look like a prize fighter. It’s more about setting the intention in hopes that, at some point I’ll have the energy to act on said intentions (and God damn, my lips are shiny, tingling, and taste and smell like candy, how can I let the effort it took to find that tube of lip gloss and smear it on go to waste?)

For now though, I am legend in my own mind, in the three seconds between putting the kids to sleep and collapsing, I blow candy flavored kisses to my husband, the sash around yesterday’s pajamas that proclaims me, Melissa Pierce, Mrs. Hot Monkey Love 2009, flaps wildly behind me as I dive into bed, my tiara rolling off my exhausted head as my pony tail hits the pillow and I drift off to sleep.

6 replies
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  1. Michaux Shaffer
    Michaux Shaffer says:

    I could never have said it better! Now when Richard says, “40 is the new 20” I am just going to remind him that “sleep is the new sex”

  2. Dawn @GirlfriendCeleb
    Dawn @GirlfriendCeleb says:

    I hear you, sister! My husband hasn’t gotten the memo though; he still thinks sex is the new sex.

  3. Richard Shaffer
    Richard Shaffer says:

    I just noticed that my wife Commented above.

    Honey, when did you wake up out of your coma to Comment on another woman’s blog post?!?!?! We could have had some time together during the few moments you were awake to write this!

    (the reality is some of us have perfected the art of making love to their wives while they sleep…you should all ask your husbands if this is happening [smile])

    Also – let’s not turn this post into a place where women can encourage each other God forbid! (totally teasing…..)



  4. Melissa Pierce
    Melissa Pierce says:

    My husband vehemently will neither deny nor confirm whether or not we’re having sleep sex however, wants to assure everyone reading that I am exaggerating in the above post, although he will not confirm on which point he thinks I’m exaggerating.

  5. Chad Johnston
    Chad Johnston says:

    My wife and I have what we call “hallway sex”. It basically consists of passing each other in the hall, saying “f*** you” to each other, and continuing on to see what havoc the kids, cats, etc. have wreaked this time.

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