Today friends, we’re going to deconstruct one of my favorite hate mails.

“What?” You ask, “You Melissa, get hate mail?”
Oh yes, dear reader, I do indeed get hate mail, at least one a week, as do most of the men and women I know who are public about their life in any way. The hate mail I receive usually has to do with me having a vagina, and a family, and a career… because Lord knows you can’t have all three.

Below is the hate mail I speak of, broken down so that normal people can understand where the crazies are coming from, and why they’re right.

As you know, parenting is still a woman’s job, and if a man is forced to parent, dumping on him is the only way it happens, there is never any discussion or planning involved – just a quick poop em’ out and run.

Ok, this one is my favorite. I actually wish this was my life, me… partying with mutants, tripods, and bar stools. I hope the reality TV people are paying attention, because that would not only play to my vanity, but totally make great TV.

I think the writer was insinuating that I was too stupid to get dressed properly or they didn’t know that inherently evil women have heads that actually spins exorcist style, making the whole front/back of the dress thing irrelevant. I do wear some pretty great dresses, I have the right to look sexy no matter if my head is spinning towards the Atlantic or the Pacific.

Dude, you are totally right, when I’m at a conference, I’m thinking of meetings or presentations I need to act and look stellar for. I’m not worried about how my smart, accomplished, loving, caring, capable husband is dealing with the antics of our six year old, (for the record, the peeing in the soap incident happened when I was at home, Cole is way too smart to let our six year old into the bathroom, he’s a litter box daddy all the way.)

This one stumps me, such a great compliment hidden in hate mail? My teenage son is probably one of the most well adjusted 15yr olds I know. I don’t wonder how he got to be so great, but I’m thankful that he is, and that he will continue to make his own way in this world despite having a mom who’s head can spin 360 degrees.

What I love most about getting hate mail is that it reminds me that there are still people out there that think women can’t work outside the home, much less look good while doing it. It reminds me that there is still so much work to do and many more of these people to piss off and prove wrong. I wonder what kinds of vitriol other men and women who work, travel, and have families get, and how they deal with it, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

If you wonder why I don’t post often, you are not a stay at home unschooling mother of two preschoolers and one surly teenage boy.

In between the hours of 7am and 9pm I do not usually have the luxury of going to the bathroom by myself, much less the time to think complete thoughts. In fact, in just the time it took to write these few sentences I have been interrupted for the following:

1. Teenage son comes into my office and asks if I’d like to buy a clone for the bargain price of $1400 dollars. He may or may not have created said clone with in his makeshift laboratory. He knows I’m trying to work, and comes in just to annoy me, I’m sure of it. Also, he knows I don’t have $1400 for is silly science projects, so I don’t even know why he’s asking, probably just to annoy me.

2. My two year old wanted me to wipe her bum, also she wanted to brush her teeth while still on the pot. Her high pitched screams pierce the air at a furious pace for a good 5 minutes to express her displeasure at my unwillingness to simultaneously wipe her tiny arse and put Wall-e toothpaste on her sparky pink toothbrush.

3. My four year old tried to climb his bookshelf and attempted to leap onto his bed. He insists he wasn’t climbing, oh no, he was “scrinching” to the top – which clearly is not climbing, as he would never climb the bookshelf, that’s dangerous and against the rules.

4. What was I talking about?