Dude, You Spilled Haterade all Over My Vagina!

Today friends, we’re going to deconstruct one of my favorite hate mails.

“What?” You ask, “You Melissa, get hate mail?”
Oh yes, dear reader, I do indeed get hate mail, at least one a week, as do most of the men and women I know who are public about their life in any way. The hate mail I receive usually has to do with me having a vagina, and a family, and a career… because Lord knows you can’t have all three.

Below is the hate mail I speak of, broken down so that normal people can understand where the crazies are coming from, and why they’re right.

“You dump the kids on your husband”

As you know, parenting is still a woman’s job, and if a man is forced to parent, dumping on him is the only way it happens, there is never any discussion or planning involved – just a quick poop em’ out and run.

“You party from the Atlantic to the Pacific, rubbing up against anything with three legs”

Ok, this one is my favorite. I actually wish this was my life, me… partying with mutants, tripods, and bar stools. I hope the reality TV people are paying attention, because that would not only play to my vanity, but totally make great TV.

“You wear low cut backless dresses that you can’t tell if they’re on backwards or not”

I think the writer was insinuating that I was too stupid to get dressed properly or they didn’t know that inherently evil women have heads that actually spins exorcist style, making the whole front/back of the dress thing irrelevant. I do wear some pretty great dresses, I have the right to look sexy no matter if my head is spinning towards the Atlantic or the Pacific.

“You’re more worried about how hot you look at some conference than if your son is at home peeing in the soap bottle.”

Dude, you are totally right, when I’m at a conference, I’m thinking of meetings or presentations I need to act and look stellar for. I’m not worried about how my smart, accomplished, loving, caring, capable husband is dealing with the antics of our six year old, (for the record, the peeing in the soap incident happened when I was at home, Cole is way too smart to let our six year old into the bathroom, he’s a litter box daddy all the way.)

“You wonder why your teenage son is turning out like he is.”

This one stumps me, such a great compliment hidden in hate mail? My teenage son is probably one of the most well adjusted 15yr olds I know. I don’t wonder how he got to be so great, but I’m thankful that he is, and that he will continue to make his own way in this world despite having a mom who’s head can spin 360 degrees.

What I love most about getting hate mail is that it reminds me that there are still people out there that think women can’t work outside the home, much less look good while doing it. It reminds me that there is still so much work to do and many more of these people to piss off and prove wrong. I wonder what kinds of vitriol other men and women who work, travel, and have families get, and how they deal with it, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

 

29 Replies to “Dude, You Spilled Haterade all Over My Vagina!

  1. Wow. This sort of this is awful, but its good you’ve taken a good spin to it. I must say though, your wit keeps you afloat. Good for you. 🙂

    I guess I need more hatemail.

  2. This post is one of the funnier things I’ve read in the last week. It almost makes me look forward to the day when I get hate mail, and can share it with the world. Thanks for putting this out there. 🙂

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