Regular Ole’ Blog of an Unconventional Life Coach

Been trying to find my writing voice lately. I think perhaps I had it, and then lost it when I realized that people were actually reading what I wrote. Isn’t that interesting that I put these words up, I put them out into the open and think that no one will see them, that by casting such a little thing such as a sentence fragment on this or that strand of the world wide web - such a little piece of my authentic self - that no one will notice. But then they do, and I change what I write, to protect my soft naked underbelly. It’s silly really, to think that publishing something online gives my voice a safe place to hide - but that’s what I thought, or at least felt, I can’t say I gave it much thought. So, that’s where I am. Understanding the irrational feelings of vulnerability, and looking for some balance.

I was sent to SOBCon this year by a social networking website for “lifestyle design” called Biglife. My mission was simple, I was to learn to blog and then teach the life coaches that run the site everything I learned from the conference.

Being a non-blogger, I have to admit, I had a really slanted idea of what I thought this conference would be like, In my mind, I knew that I would be surrounded by tattoo laden, pierced, tech savvy, laptop toting hipsters that would be talking code and philosophy completely over my head. I was already near a nervous breakdown keeping up with my own imagination and was not sure if I would live through keeping up with a group like that. What I found when I got there was that these were everyday people, the kind of people you might see in the grocery store, all ages shapes and sizes (although a lot of them did have laptops).

Taking out my tiny back pocket notebook, I made a quick note to self: Remove fake tattoo and clip on nose ring at next 5 minute break

Just because I recognized that the bloggers were people doesn’t mean my fight or flight “pretend to be stupid and young” instinct didn’t kick in during some parts of the conference (c’mon girls, don’t hate, I know that you’ve faked stupid before). These cats were still pretty unique, intimidating and mysterious in a lot of ways - I mean, they spoke a whole new blogger language that I had to ask many a definition for. (OK, so maybe I wasn’t playing stupid) I did however, gain a little clarity that I didn’t have before about blogging: Anyone can do it. Yup, I know, you’re rolling your eyes saying to yourself “That should be a given, they really wasted their money sending you along.”

If that isn’t good enough for you here are some other key points I learned:

2. You have to be passionate about writing about what your passionate about
This was an aha moment for me, I’m a life coach, I’m passionate about helping people grow, however, I am NOT passionate about writing about personal growth. So, a personal growth blog is probably not the best fit for me.

3. Transparency and Authenticity online are two separate things.
Unless you want to tell people what color your undies are, you don’t have to. Blogging is not about putting it all out there; blogging is about being authentic in your word. Without authenticity, your blog will most likely be detected on bullshit meters everywhere.
(Believe me, bloggers have excellent BS meters)
Of course, being famous for mashing words together, I mashed some words to define this:
Blauthentic n: the authenticness of the written word esp. referencing blogs. 2. The authenticity of the blah blah blah between the header and footer.

4. Most blogs are written in a conversational tone, and the comments are meant to be an extension of that conversation.
I think that this is where most coaches get this wrong, and that’s a funny thing because coaches are kick ass at real life conversation. However, get them on paper and for most of them, a blog post is where they strut their stuff and show what they know, it’s not conversational, it’s authoritative. I don’t think coaches are alone in this mistake, I think many people must miss the boat on this. In part I think people are just used to writing for an audience that can’t participate. People get a little freaked out that there is even a comment box anywhere near what they write. So they make sure to wrap it up tightly and leave no room for argument or questions. The problem is, it’s hard to build a reputation online without relationships, so conversation and a little vulnerability for comments in necessary.

I mashed up another word for this open conversational blogging: Vulnerablogity. At the time I thought it was a genius word, now I think it kinda’ blows - but it still makes a good point, let your blog post be vulnerable to scrutiny.

5. Bloggers are a family. (at least these bloggers are)
The blogging society is a tight knit group of people, they for the most part, know each other, love each other and support one another, whether or not they have physically met. In that respect, they are a lot like life coaches: They don’t expect much, they just expect you to be exactly who you are – on and off the page.

I did learn alot of other things at the conference, some invaluable information about monetizing my blog and organizing my blog - about how wordpress is the place to be and I am really uncool - but I think, for a non-blogger just starting, these five key points are imperative.

Comments, question, hate mail, additions?

I have an admission to make. I’m a half ass planner. Case in point: The capture box on my homepage promises a report that gives you 12 Ways to Think Without the Box without actually delivering a thing to anyone. For 2 weeks people have been exchanging their names and email addresses in hopes of getting some helpful information - and have got nothing in return (sorry).

As tempted as I am to use the excuse that there was a broken link on my page, I can’t, I just hadn’t written the 12 points until today - I was getting nervous with all the requests stacking up, but didn’t want to send out an uninspired piece. I’m pretty sure the added pressure of being past deadline was ultimately what got the ball rolling. This segues nicely into the actual list

• Procrastinate till the final countdown – I dunno about you but that’s when my best shit comes out. In fact, procrastinating until after the final countdown can really help you get your ass in gear. (Not recommended if you trade your time for money on someone else’s clock - great if you’re a free agent who makes your own deadlines)

• Spend some time “mashing” ideas. Pick any two unrelated ideas and try to mash them together, find all the secret ways in which they intermingle and then figure out how they relate to Kevin Bacon.

• Staplers Make Great Nutcrackers: Pick an object within sight and invent new and different uses for it- spend 20 minutes thinking of all the unusual ways the stapler on your desk can be improved upon or transformed completely and used in a new way.

• “Yes and”.. write down or say any stupid thing you want, whatever the first thing is that you think of – continue on that thought, accept it as fact, add to it. Example: I like the taste of dirt…Yes, and the texture is a refreshing alternative to broken glass…Yes, and there are so many varieties available…Yes, and.. The point here is to retrain your brain to think without the usual parameters enforced by negation.

• Wake up to Fuzzy Logic – seriously, while your mind is fresh and fuzzy. Sleepiness has the advantage of creating some whack and beautiful neurological misfiring.

• Have an Orgy – Seriously, have an ideagasm orgy with a few friends. Get snugly with your idea in the afterglow. (If your down for a real orgy, this may work well too, although I suspect exhaustion will overtake any and all cognition and you will forget every brilliant thing you or anyone else has ever said.)

• Forget what you know – find a new point of view – ask questions like a 6 year old, get on a bike, fall off on purpose, unlearn balance, unlearn calculus, discover ants and chewed gum on the sidewalk.

• Meditate – You don’t have to be Deepak Chopra or eat granola to do this – headphones and some “Your hand In Mine” will do just fine.

• Pick a feeling, any feeling – really get into that feeling - begin to create. Live in it for a few and see what comes.

• Get Uncomfortable – Push the envelope of what’s acceptable – I once knew a girl that made a paintings with her menstrual blood – that’s way too far out for me, but they were beautiful and started a conversation in my head that would’ve never taken place had I not taken the time to accept her art as valid expression. (insert jokes about being “in the flow” here)

• Be Absurd – List the most absurd solutions to your problems you can think of. Can’t seem to get out of the bed in the morning? Hire a marching band to play your Eye of The Tiger in your bedroom at 5am every morning.

• Do nothing – spend a day, or two, or 365 doing absolutely nothing. Guaranteed to piss off the powers that be and put your creative genius in the drivers seat.

Post Hate Mail, Left Out Points, Or Your Secret Recipe in the Comments, Thanks.

What is the reason that so many young adults are thumbing their nose in the general direction of the movie The Secret? Sure, we can blame some of it on the search for identity and the need to disassociate with all things in the mainstream, but my guess is that the kids are more advanced on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs than the intended audience of The Secret.

Not only are they more enlightened than most of the general populace - thanks to the shifts in thought of generations of leaders before them-, they are more aligned with who they truly are than older generations who have accepted atrophy in their lives. That’s not to say that this generation of young adults will always be operating higher up the scale all the time; most young adults are lacking the experience of having to provide basic human needs for themselves - Once they get out on their own, they may better understand the earnestness that many of the followers of The Secret apply to it’s basic premise, (thoughts become things) but I don’t think they will ever buy into it.

At any rate, many of the young adults I talk to just don’t get what the secret is offering, in fact, many of them are offended at the overt materialism and shallowness of the message. Blame it on Maslow, the secret doesn’t speak to people who are further up the hierarchy of need.

Thank Kandee G and Eva Gregory for tuning me into the fact that people gotta’ start somewhere, and if that somewhere is things, that’s OK. Kandee explained that if a person can believe that things are coming their way and then the things actually come, chances are, that person will gain confidence in the ability to bring what they want into their lives. She went on to say that once they gain the ability to draw stuff, usually, they gain the ability to see that the stuff isn’t “filling the gap” and they begin to reach for more intangible things, relationships, self respect, etc. Eva pointed out that The Secret is just the tip of the iceburg when it come to what the actual Law of Attraction is.

OK, so I get that, and I’ll accept that the movie has it’s place, and that for many people it’s an inspired beginning for them. I still think that The Secret is pretty yucky, it smacks of payoffs and self promotion and alot of words w/o much actual content. No matter it’s motive and lack of message, the shit could just be the fertilizer that many people need in order to start growing up the hierarchy of need to the destination of self actualization, but as far as my generation and younger are concerned, there has yet to be an inspirational movie made with a message that’s worth believing in.

I remember my dad and my brother “wrestling” in the living room after a shouting match they had about whatever teenage rebellion wasn’t jiving with my father’s military mind. A rare occasion to see my dad involved at all - but to see my brother so hell bent on destroying him (not in a competitive way, a very real scary way) with my father cackling and holding him down… the gift of a spotty memory prevents me from recollecting what was next.

Reminded of being kicked in the middle of my back by my mother, can’t remember what ensued previous to provoke her, but I recall she was very frustrated about something. My uncle ran to her and grabbed her, yelling at her for hurting me, said there was no reason to do that. That was when my dad was fighting in Kuwait, she must have felt so overwhelmed. I was more bewildered than hurt, and remember feeling sorry for her.

Thinking back on my childhood, I wouldn’t categorize us as abused children, although I would certainly say that using a leather belt to whip your child’s bare bottom was abuse - which we did get plenty of.

Is it terror that makes it abuse? Regularity? Exactly what? Do I not classify it as abuse because I know that others, including my parents had it 100x worse? Is it because I expected to be punished if I did something wrong that makes it ok in my mind?

Eventually, my parents gave up on hitting us and opted for grounding us from whatever it was that we loved to do most. I’d like to say it was because they became a little more enlightened, but suspect that it’s because we became too big and too human to push around.

These questions come to mind as I deal with my own teenager’s rebellion. It suddenly strikes me that I have no experience to fall back on - no clear picture of how to proceed. Not the cliche of not knowing, but a real not knowing of what to do as a conscious parent. If taking away privileges doesn’t work and adding punishments leads to flat refusal, I don’t know where to go. I can set the example and intention, but then what? Do I let my teenager color the mood of the entire family, disrespecting and destroying? My fist instinct is to send him packing back to his dads,but what then?

Find more videos like this on BigLife.ws

Find more videos like this on BigLife.ws

Recently fellow genius blogger Clay Collins posted on the price of radical growth. Per his usual, his post was intelligent, witty, and insightful, however, this time, his usual devil may care attitude sounded a little bit depressing. What gives I ask? We can chalk it up to maybe a tiny bit of 2am blogging oversight, and possibly some inexperience as being the sudden golden boy of “keepin’ it real self growth”. Whatever the hang up, he forgot to point out rapid [personal]growth is not a go it alone all or nothing process. Although he was spot on about noting that sometimes rapid growth is not worth sacrificing your family or career for.

This is where I put yet another plug for my profession: Radical growth can be fucking scary as all hell, but if you recognize your in the middle of it - find someone who’s been there done that to help you navigate, or hire a life coach to help you with the big picture while you grapple with the details. Our society puts way to much pressure on us to “go it alone”, and that friggin’ loner hero cowboy bullshit is really getting old. OK, stepping down from the soapbox.

Sometimes, yeah - when we grow relationships and entire modalities of living are lying by the wayside… I’ve got a very personal relationship with outgrowing my surroundings, leaving them behind, setting them up on fire, running away and starting again. But sometimes, your relationships and modalities grow with you - And that my friends is the sweetest most surreal radical growth ever. Maybe I’m out of line for saying this too, but I think this is more of a maturity and respect issue - if you do fucking know who you are, and what you want, then respecting yourself and others enough to be forthcoming with the direction in which your heading and why is “half the battle” (”and knowing is half the battle” - GI Joe)…

Productivity, I’ve been thinking and writing about it for a while now, working on trying to figure out how it fit’s into the creative thinkers puzzle, but lately I’ve had quite a mental block in the creative writing department, I attribute this to a procrastination virus I must’ve downloaded by mistake, perhaps some informational blog I mistook to be compatible with my Op system was in all actuality, not. It is possible however, that the viral program has long been lurking in my subconscious for some time now and only shows up when a particular sequence of thoughts fires…. but this one was interesting, it was a Trojan horse, masquerading as productivity! It manifested itself in the usual ways: Sitting down to my computer, I’d write my grocery list instead of my next blog post. Taking the kids to the park became just another check box on my way to the store, and the enjoyment of a shower became placed into one of four different quadrants of urgency and importance.
You’d think that the fact that showering always ended up in the non-urgent non-important quadrant would’ve tipped me off after a week, but seems I don’t mind a dirty itchy head as long as I’m “getting things done”. The Problem is with this particular virus (besides the ever increasing stink of BO) is, I wasn’t really getting anything done.

So, how did I finally figure that out I even had the virus? I collapsed from exhaustion! Seems that along with rerouting my normal creative process into a list maker, it also sets up my system for overload and inevitably, I crashed. I was forced to do absolutely nothing, and I had no other choice but to accept it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m going to say, this adverse event in my life really helped me to see with clarity the error of my ways and put me back on the path to true enlightenment and greater productivity. Not so. What did it was that acceptance of well, nothing. So I had stuff to do, so what. If it wasn’t fun to do, it just wasn’t worth it.

I invited procrastination to take a seat on my coach, we two getting cookie crumbs between the seat cushions, reveling in each others sloth, We watched some funny videos on Youtube shared a microwave burrito and generally sat around. That’s when I recognizing procrastination for what it truly was, not an evil culprit bent on destroying the world, procrastination was my good friend, easily and effortlessly helping me navigate away from thoughts and ideas that didn’t apply to my own creative way of thinking, my specific operating system. And just like that, in those nothing moments, inspiration struck… Productivity, is a fuckin’ four letter word in the land of creativity.

Monday, March 31, 2008 11 Questions with “Agent of Epiphany”

Melissa Pierce.
Definitely not a “Career Coach” and certainly not a Counselor, Melissa Pierce is a cross between the admired colleague, who is the expert in their field, and the loyal friend you can go to when you need a dose of reality. I met Melissa Pierce in Chicago last Fall. Sardonically irreverent and sometimes painfully direct, she has guided hundreds of people along a path of personal and professional growth. Melissa Pierce’s clients represent a cross section of the business world; spanning Main Street to Wall Street, from the rank-and-file to the most senior executives. So, what’s the common thread connecting each of her clients? They each consider themselves to be a Creative, and Creatives can be the people most in need of guidance.

ARNOLD CREATIVE: Okay Melissa, I’ve been dying to pick your brain. You are very direct and to-the-point. You’re sarcastic, but in a way that Creatives can appreciate. Let’s start off easy - what is a Career Coach?

MELISSA PIERCE: Really, I have no idea what a Career Coach is. It sounds like someone who wears a suit and helps people find a bigger cubical. Now, if you’d asked, “Melissa, what do you do?” I would’ve told you that I help creative people get their shit together, follow their dreams, and inspire themselves to stay that way. I prefer the term “life coach” because a person’s career, although important, is just this little part of the whole of our lives. In fact, as long as we’re talking what I prefer as my title, let’s go with “Agent of Epiphany” it sounds sneaky and inspiring. Don’t you think?

AC: What are some misconceptions about a Career Coach/Life Coach/”Agent of Epiphany” and how they’ll help a person’s career?

MP: First and contrary to popular belief one cannot become instantly famous from hiring a career or life coach; it takes, oh, at least 2 or 3 sessions. A second misconception is that a coach is a consultant who is going to TELL you what to do. Coaches do not do that; they’re likely to ask you the tough questions until you come to your own epiphanous conclusion. Finally, a coach is definitely not a therapist. Life coaching is about helping you figure out what you want and moving forward. I’m not interested in examining how your past shaped and twisted you; I’ll help you jump past all that to live the life you want to live.

AC: For the record, “Epiphanous” is a word in the Scrabble dictionary; nicely done! Like an M.D. who specializes in a specific area of medicine, you specialize in helping predominantly “right-brained” Creatives find focus and achieve career & personal balance. Talk about why you are drawn to Creatives.

MP: Creatives are just a hell of a lot more fun, to be honest. It’s about time someone catered to the Creative Class as they are, and showed them that they don’t have to try to fit themselves into the prepackaged lifestyles of the generations before them. There are just too many [Creatives] out there trying to put their life together using XYZ linear system. Those methods rarely work for Creatives in the long term. Another reason I’m drawn to Creatives is that they never cease to surprise me with their ability to grab an incredibly abstract idea, morph it into something that has no connection whatsoever, and explain that same idea in the most simple & ass kicking terms!

AC: Let’s stay on this train of thought. It seems like coaching creatives would present more headaches than coaching people in other industries. Do they?

MP: Oh sure, Creatives bring their own unique set of problems to the table. They tend to have a lot of ideas but no clear direction. So sometimes the redirecting can get pretty rote, but by and large I’d rather be coaching someone had a plethora of ideas than someone who only wants to look at Option “A”, “B”, or “C.”

AC: Creatives are known for not dealing with confrontation very well. What useful hints or tips can you share that may help with these types of conversations?

MP: They aren’t? I think that creative artist types are light years ahead of the rest of us in conflict resolution.

AC: Okay, let me rephrase: Creatives are known for avoiding conflicts, rather than heading them off.

MP: I remember a teacher once telling me that in order to paint things as they really were I would have to forget what I knew about them and just paint them as they are. I guess I carried that over to the rest of my life, and I see many creative people who have taken what they do in their creative life and make it work in real life. I think the trick is to stop taking every conflict as a personal attack on your ego but rather as an opportunity to create something between you and the other guy. Once you can see it for what it is it’s usually pretty painless to resolve.

AC: Share a particularly special story of someone who’s sought your counsel and how they evolved.

MP: One of my favorite client success stories is about a woman who was just struggling to get her web-design company off the ground. There was this enormous pressure to do it “right” that was just paralyzing her. Through our coaching she realized that, even though she was doing her own thing, she was still applying all of the superficial rules & standards of her former jobs to her own business. Once she started to build her business around her own creative inclinations and the things that made her happy, business started increasing. For example: she built extra hours into her project timelines so that she would have time to recharge and chill out before pouring into the next action item on her list. Last I checked she was booked for the next year, happy, and relaxed about it. I like sharing this story because I’ve applied this principle into my own business; I work 3 weeks on 1 week off. I need the time to let my brain soak it all in.

AC: In your opinion, why do you think it’s so difficult for people to admit they need help?

MP: We’ve really been brought up in a culture that says one thing but worships another. I mean, we say asking for help is so brave; the heroes all seem to be “Do It Yourself” loners! On top of that, the guy who got to where he is asked for help is totally shunned. I swear this is a holdover for adolescence! I think in some ways, we never come out of the absolutist ideas we formed in our teen years, we just never take the time to re-examine them.

AC: It’s a particularly daunting time to think about changing careers. How do you know whether you’re in a slump at work or a career change may be in order?

MP: Well, dreading work daily is a good sign. Getting canned over and over is a really good sign. Loving to go into work but end up spending the whole day on Facebook instead of adding to your company’s profitability is a pretty good sign, too. Unless, of course, Facebook is your company’s profitability; in that case add more widgets.

AC: 2008 has yielded record unemployment. Hit particularly hard are the advertising & marketing industries. Some economists predict the US will hit a 10% unemployment rate before a rebound. How do you recommend explaining employment gaps to potential employers?

MP: Isn’t the saying “Marketing is first to get cut”? That should be easy enough to explain, but if you have a gap that is uncomfortably large, it’s a good idea to be forthcoming with it, I mean if you did a lot of interviewing but didn’t find a good fit, just say that. If you are truly looking to be a profitable asset to a company and not just looking for a paycheck, you have to lead with your integrity.

AC: Congratulations - you’ve been a successful “Agent of Epiphany” for nearly 10 years, your clients rave about you and it takes nothing short of a miracle to get on your calendar. That’s not necessarily the case for all Career Coaches. Help a prospective protégé/client navigate the process of finding a Career Coach who will serve meet their needs.

MP: Awe, shucks. It’s not really that impossible to get on my calendar! Hmmm, there are a ton of great resources that come to mind, Biglife.ws is a good one, they have this “Tree of Life” that lets you choose what you’d like to be coached on, so, if you were looking for a “creatives coach” such as myself you would select that and all these coaches pictures that fit your profile would come up. Nice visuals.

AC: I see my hour is almost up, so let’s wrap up. If someone were to seek your guidance, what should they expect of you and what do you expect of them? How should they prepare to be “coached?”

MP: Mostly, I expect my clients to expect me to be honest, have their best intentions at heart, and keep it real while still keeping it fun. I want them to expect me to call them out on their shit and give them the tools to get themselves on track. I expect them to be 100% committed to making it work. Preparing to be coached is fairly easy, simply opening up your chest and pulling out your heart will suffice, of course, if that doesn’t appeal to you, having an open mind and heart in conjunction with a willingness to work on yourself is a good start.

Visit Melissa Pierce online.
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Ryan Arnold
www.arnoldcreative.com

Arnold Creative is a dynamic, full service brand development firm steeped in the core competencies of a traditional integrated marketing firm and advertising agency. A decade of experience has enabled Arnold Creative to hone the skills that have left our clients raving about our second-to-none level of service.

If your business is in need of strategic brand direction, please contact Ryan Arnold.